It was disturbing to learn of reports that Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents were arresting parents near school bus stops during pickup and drop-off times. How cruel must someone be to target parents and children near schools? Trump border czar Tom Homan stated on Face The Nation Sunday that he was not aware of any such incidents and patted himself on the back for ICE not having arrested anyone in a school, hospital, or church in the past two years, of which he was aware.
Connecticut Senator Chris Murphy reported incidents he learned about in Danbury where ICE agents were arresting parents at school bus stops, sinisterly waiting until the children were on the bus so that when they were dropped off at the end of the day, they were alone and scared to death because they couldn’t find their parents. ICE spokespersons denied that report and multiple reports that parents were apprehended at a school in Ypsilanti, Michigan, during student drop-off.
The Trump administration implemented its “Zero Tolerance” policy in 2018 as it sought to deter migrants from entering the United States, partially relying on the Flores Settlement Agreement of 1997, which required the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) to house minor children in the least restrictive setting possible and prohibited their placement in adult facilities. Adults—most often their parents—were transferred to the custody of the Department of Homeland Security or federal jails, while children were classified as “unaccompanied alien children” and placed with HHS.
President Biden signed Executive Order 14011 on February 2, 2021, revoking the Trump-era policies and creating the Interagency Task Force on the Reunification of Families. But not before thousands of children experienced traumatic separation—and many continue to, something I am sadly all too familiar with.
My mother Florence Lewis died on May 1, 1955, four days before my fifth birthday. I don’t remember much about what happened in the aftermath. I don’t remember a funeral or any explanation about her death during childbirth. I remember associating her disappearance with an ambulance, and for a long time, I would freak out at any siren. I have vivid memories of time spent with her. I also remember a dreadful experience that proved to be an omen. She was bathing me when the lights went out. She left me in the bathtub to change the fuse. I remember screaming at the top of my lungs until she returned.
My family sought to shield my two sisters and me from the trauma of my mother’s death by removing us from the place we lived and sending us to live with my paternal grandmother on a farm in Savannah, Georgia. My dad was devastated and re-enlisted in the Army, where he had served with the Red Ball Express during World War II. I can only imagine it was his desperate grasp at holding on to something he thought was real. I believe my mother’s passing contributed to his early demise when I was 16, which only compounded my trauma. I received no therapeutic understanding of what was happening with me until I returned to school at the age of 42 to complete my BA in psychology.
I went into therapy for three years with an MSW counselor, which changed my thinking and maybe saved my life, as I was self-medicating in all the wrong ways. This led me to social work and Carl Rogers, who helped me understand that I could participate in my healing. I’ve carried abandonment issues with me throughout my life. You meet someone, and you’re afraid of becoming too deeply attached in case, God forbid, the relationship doesn’t last, and you must separate.
You dread experiencing the pain of loss that you endured when your mother left you; it is impossible to imagine. So you find ways to sabotage relationships before you get in too deep. I don’t blame my three failed marriages entirely on my mother’s death, but I am certain it contributed, if unconsciously. The circumstances are not the same. My mother was not taken from me by the government. But a five-year-old does not understand legal or political distinctions. A child experiences the sudden disappearance of a parent as fear, abandonment, and loss.
Separation from a parent or primary caregiver can profoundly disrupt a child’s sense of safety, trust, and emotional security. Children may experience anxiety, depression, nightmares, sleep and appetite disturbances, behavioral problems, difficulty concentrating, or developmental regression. Even the persistent threat of separation may cause hypervigilance, school avoidance, social withdrawal, and declining academic performance. Without stable caregiving and appropriate support, these effects can increase the long-term risk of PTSD and other mental health disorders. This is more than an argument about immigration policy. It is a question of whether the government should inflict—or casually risk inflicting—lifelong trauma on children. A nation that claims to value families should know better. It must do better.